My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
