my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Randomize
