apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
