it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Randomize
