woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Drunk is a universal language darling
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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