She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
