That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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