There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
