Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
