I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
