I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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