My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
