I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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