only you would photoshop your dick
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
