So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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