Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Randomize
