I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
