I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
