I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
