You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I have fence marks all over my body
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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