And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
