I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Randomize
