I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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