meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
