I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
