this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
So vagazzling was a success
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
