On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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