I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
