One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
