seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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