alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
