I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
