Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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