My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
it's great music for shaving your balls
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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