So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
