so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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