@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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