Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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