the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
They have beer where we have blood.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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