Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
