Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
