he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
