I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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