dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
