John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
