Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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