When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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