you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
