I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
