so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
