Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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